Monday

Today, I am tired of people. Truly exhausted. I am also tired of the effect that I allow people to have on me. In the hardest way possible, I have learned what life has been trying to teach me for most of my life: only be as good and loyal to people as they are to you. No other way around it. I used to think that it was childish to measure how much of yourself that you gave to people. Doing so would mean that I wasn’t giving people the benefit of the doubt…which is unfair. But I’ve been noticing how even people who you give the benefit of the doubt to in the most fucked up situations, won’t do the same for you. That matters.

Last week, I sent out an email that basically said my company was shutting it’s doors. That they would all be paid out within the next week and that I’d make sure that they were assigned to their specific clients. Which was the truth, considering that the IRS isn’t rushing to allow me access to personal or business funds, and I’d rather momentarily shutter the company than have people constantly waiting for pay. Either way, I waited semi-patiently for responses. Every employee responded back to say how much it sucked and ask how I was doing and feeling. Every one. Who didn’t? The two ex employees who are still owed money. One, who I was hoping would be a mini-me, who I found a job working for Kim bc her boyfriend couldn’t handle her schedule and environment -__-. The second, who consistently stole grubhub even though he knew he wasn’t supposed to be using it, and for whom I STILL reached out to find him another position with a museum.

Now, I believe in bad apples, and that one doesn’t spoil the whole bunch, but I also went to greater lengths for these employees than most others because I felt a connection of some sort with them or their plight. So imagine the feeling of disappointment when I find out that one person is talking shit about me around MY GIRLFRIEND’S office, and the other is using the fuck out of grubhub and taking full advantage of me and my company by ordering $50 and $60 ‘lunches’ when he’s not even working! That shit stings. Kinda like when Eva, my other potential golden girl, threatened me during a company meeting. Although she begged for her position back, I was told a few weeks ago by another employee that she’s unemployed but says she’s happy to have missed the ‘shit show’ that my company became. See. Those are the things that drive me absolutely bonkers. Absolutely. But I’m finding that people are only as loyal as their next check, and that’s a sad thing.

What I’m realizing most is that maybe Kim was kinda right. I overpaid people. I gave them company-sponsored lunch and Ubers. I spoiled my employees and I’m sure most of them were and are incredibly grateful, but the few that aren’t make me want to adjust my business model in a major way, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. My loyalty lies with myself…and Kim. With building successful businesses as a team, keeping our home in good order, and creating something bigger than ourselves. That’s the real-life goal. The fact is that I’ve never failed at anything. Never been fired from a job. Never tried for something that I didn’t get. That being said, the current state of my business is not only astonishing to me but almost maddening because I keep thinking of all of the ways that I could’ve made effective changes so as not to get to this point. Yet, If I truly believe in the universe as I do, then I have to take this as another lesson that’s going to make me better for the next big thing. Obviously, a humbling was needed and I can’t think of any way that would’ve been more effective lol.

June 1st

Handle the task. Start anew. Move forward. These are the three things I must allow myself to do. I must also be committed to all. This is me not knowing what will come next, but knowing it will be everything that I’ve wanted. I have to trust in the universe for the next chapters.

Ways and ‘No Ways’

I am going through the motions. And while I don’t expect it to get much easier much sooner, having a sense of direction helps. I have spent all day working out an actual plan to keep my company afloat and I have one…finally! But I also have a small issue with the plan…and that’s the $11k that I’m short when I really need to do what I have to do. My attorneys are holding on to my money in order to make payouts to any companies/vendors/etc threatening to sue me…so that’s out. My other half and I don’t have it in savings…so that’s out. I’m gonna have to do the thing that I’ve been avoiding like the fucking plague. I’m gonna have to get it from Dowdi. This is a matter of paying my employees and keeping my company afloat. I’ve tried everything under the sun and can’t even get a line of credit right now. I want my company…and I know that if I can manage this part I can get everything else done. So I’m gonna ask. I’m not horribly concerned about asking for and actually getting the money from her. I am infinitely concerned about telling Kim about it. Idk if I should. I’m positive that she won’t be happy but she can’t help me right now and I really need this money. Obviously, I’m gonna tell her simply because I don’t keep things from her. But man, I can only imagine the mountain that I’m gonna have to climb to get back on Kim’s good side. That sucks because all I’m trying to do is make sure that I can keep my company going. I really want to avoid Dowdi feeling like I ‘need’ her considering she already thinks that I can’t live without her. Sigh. We’ll see how this plays out.

Down

I’ve had a ton of goals over my lifetime. Reached em all in decent timing. But only one dream since I was about 4. It’s my earliest memory that hasn’t been blocked by trauma. My only dream has always been to be a wife to a person that loves me more than they love themselves. 

I remember the moment I began to want that. We were walking in the store. I was pushing Eric in the basket and trying to hold Dee’s hand so she wouldn’t run off. My mom was somewhere in front of us. As was the usual, some store patron commented on how well behaved we were. We smiled and said ‘thank you’. Then her husband walked up from behind her and grabbed her hand. He waved and smiled at us while his wife talked to my mom. Then he looked at his wife with a look that a couldn’t describe then but know exactly what it was now: Veneration. At that moment, something inside me said ‘I want that’ and it’s been a dream ever since. 

26 years spent in wanting makes me…anxious. Because in my mind, the most honorable position in the world is to be a great wife. To love another person completely and give yourself to them while accepting all that they have to give as well. I feel like there are soooo many things I can do and be. Rich, beautiful, smart, successful. I can run a company or have 22 degrees. I can speak to crowds and receive standing ovations. Those are easy. Those are not the reasons why I want to be loved or considered amazing. I want to be amazing just because. Because on Tuesday I sat in the window and read a book for an hour. Because on Wednesday I got excited about a lame joke. Because on Thursday I sung a song while I cooked. I want to be me. Outside of what I’m doing. I want to BE me. And I want to be adored for that reason alone. And when a woman can make me feel safe in her veneration of me, I will happily take on the challenge of being an amazing wife to her. But I will not settle for less than my dream. 

Untangling 

I could spend every moment trying to figure out the exact thing that’s obviously eating at my other half. I could let my anxiety do its thing and add another box of stress to a closet that’s already filled. Or I can let her work through it and communicate with me if or when she feels like it. Because I’m already stressed enough. And I can’t let my experience with Lex dictate any more of my actions pertaining to relationships.

I was married to a woman who stopped wanting to have sex with me out of the blue…Constantly teetered between overloving me and thinking I was ‘Okay’…and one day simply stopped liking me. For some reason, all that made me want to do was be nicer to her…better for her…and give her more because that seemed to be what was missing. Obviously, it never worked. Obviously, she accounted for a lot of our issues but was a pro at making me feel like any problem we had was mine alone. 

My go-to reaction is ‘how can I make you happier now? How can I make it better?’ and I’ve finally learned that those aren’t the right questions. People have to make themselves happy and let me know whether I’m a part of it or if they even want me to be. My anxiety caused me to take on heavy burdens that sometimes aren’t mine to bear. Comes with the territory. But I’m redirecting my energy to something positive for the sake of sanity. 

My company will move through this period and be as dope as I’ve always expected it to be. That’s a given. I’ll be able to teach and learn and do the things that I love. Which will leave no room for anxiety to make me feel like any part of me isn’t good enough. At times like this, it’s soooo necessary to remain close to the concept that yes, I am good enough at this moment. I’m trying my best. 

Ledge

I read this and something clicked in my mind. It reminded me of the quality in myself that I fear most-indifference. My indifference to people scares me because there has never been anything I could do to fix or adjust it. I’m in that space with my mom and I’m moving into that place with my sister. I used to feel like I trusted her with any and everything but now…I don’t. I made sure she’s never wanted for anything in the world but anytime I’ve NEEDED her during these last couple of struggle years, she hasn’t come through…which isn’t really like her, but maybe it’s who she’s become. And that thought just reminds me of the lesson I’ve learned the hard way too many times: that you can do any and everything for a person, but it is impossible to ensure reciprocity. Even expecting it is likely setting yourself up for failure. 

I deserve better from my family. I have for a loooonnnggg time. I deserve better from my friends and prefer those who won’t toe the line between loyalty to me or others, depending on who’s around. I’m tipping closer to the anger that I used to harbor and am trying my damndest to avoid it because anytime I have an outward showing of anger, it leaves me feeling weak. I guess it’s the same reason that I let Kim win all of the arguments and I just let things go. Same reason I allow my mom, sister, aunt, and cousins to act however they want. Nobody is deserving of the anger that is created when I make my way over the edge mentally. Not even me. 

Feedback

In having a moment to continue connecting to my thoughts, I’ve also considered another view. For all my preaching, I think I can honestly say that some people don’t want the partner or the fan in their relationship. They don’t want to be held accountable. They want the space and the freedom. I’ve experienced that a few times. My pet peeve is having someone say things about me to someone else that they wouldn’t say to me. I see it as cowardly and fake, which is why I try to communicate so openly. I’ve had girlfriends who were saying they loved me and would never leave, texting people about how awful I was and how they wanted to be elsewhere. And once I found out, all I could wonder was why in the hell they wouldn’t just say that to me? And which conversation did they mean? The one where they would tell me how much they wanted to stay? Or the one where they’d tell someone else how much they wanted to leave? That’s the main reason why I wouldn’t return to certain exes. There are some who would never say a bad word about me to anyone. I still have love for them. But there are those others…and I still wonder why they’d choose to be so fake so often. Like, be who you are. Say how you feel. But own your shit always. 

The other day, when I landed in Baltimore I broke up with my other half. Or tried to. For a couple of reasons. First, I thought it was best because as of late, I feel as if my presence hasn’t been appreciated, or wanted, for that matter. I think that my financial issues affecting her has taken her to the edge and she has had enough. Second, I can rarely tell anymore if she’s being real with me. My love for her has affected my antennae and it’s so odd for her to say one thing while acting another way so often. 

So anyway, although I didn’t want to, I tried to do the responsible, adult thing and end it. No harm no foul. I could move to my house in fl or to ny with my sis while I recover and figure things out. And she ignored me. But in knowing her, thereby knowing her conversations and thought process, I wasn’t convinced that this relationship is at all what she really wants. So everything comes to a head last night and I explain why I feel the way I feel then she explains why she feels the way she feels and afterward it still feels…empty. And unfinished, like so many of our disagreements. And as much as I adore her it doesn’t change the nagging feeling of being unsure that the woman that I love has the same love or loyalty when it comes to me. 

I find that as relationships progress, some things begin to be done and said strictly out of habit. It’s natural. So I can’t help but wonder if there’s another place that she’d rather be but wouldn’t say for the sake of not being the bad guy. Because she hates to be that. And it’s already clear to me that she avoids saying a lot to me for the sake of not hurting my feelings, which will never be my preferred communication route. 

I told my sister a few weeks ago that I thought Kim was gonna leave. That I thought she’d had enough. And I tried to give her her out but she didn’t take it. I don’t feel like I make her happy anymore, regardless of how much I want to and how hard I try to. This is a horrible space to be in and my heart is beginning to get that ache that tells me I may be alone again. If she leaves, this one will be hard. The hardest one yet. But I won’t feel the guilt that was associated with the other losses. I may have given everyone else fifty percent but I’ve given Kim the whole hundred since she decided to take this ride with me. Sometimes, that isn’t enough, but at least I gave her all of the truth, love, and respect I’ve ever given anybody. That’s worth something. That’s worth everything.