What?

It’s a loaded question. About what? To? For how long? Kinda like ‘where are you going?’. Equally loaded. Both questions force the askee to search their mind for an answer that best suits the tone of the asker. But what if a point was made to go beyond simply answering the question?

What are you doing? Currently, writing. Tomorrow…working. Next week-next month-next year…No clue. Mentally, doing cartwheels through my mind trying to understand anything-everything. Am I still in love with my girlfriend, or has the ebb taken over? What have I experienced that has made me put so much distance between us? What am I so afraid of? Why, even with those questions, am I still intent on spending my life with her?

Physically, fighting migraines and constant aches. Back pain that makes me cringe. Constant fatigue that makes me want to carry my bed and pillow everywhere I go. What am I doing? Living, I guess.

Where are you going? Insane, on a good day. Wherever she leads me, so long as I feel safe being led. To bed in the next 30 minutes or so. To the beach at least twice before my surgery. To a quiet space to read and attempt to focus. Away-while staying as close to home as I possibly can.

———-

This will be the last post on this blog. Mostly because I’m so busy building the other, more reader-friendly one. No scattered thoughts or muted confessions lol. Secondarily, because I am now ready to communicate directly. For almost 3 years, I have poured my heart out to these empty pages. I have risen and fallen consistently. Battled my demons and lost, more often than not, but stood to fight another battle. Always. I am proud of myself…my growth…the truths that I’ve discovered. I have become a woman who has managed to share all of myself with another person-finally! And although it is not as refreshing as I thought it’d be, it allows me enough vulnerability to lose the fear that I’ve carried with me through every relationship I’ve ever participated in. Will she leave me? Mentally, physically, emotionally? Will she love me? Completely, unequivocally, unconditionally? I can’t answer those questions. But I will love her and I won’t run. I will fight and I won’t stand down. I will win. In love. In life. In all. Thank you for being here-for staying. New beginnings are hard-earned, but worth every bruise.

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