I grew up wanting to be normal, although I wasn’t sure of exactly what that represented. I wanted to be super smart, but never in a way that made people feel stupid. I wanted to be beautiful, but bot in a way that represented ‘typical’ beauty standards. I wanted to be wealthy, but not in an exclusionary way. I didn’t want to be the little girl who damn near broke into tears whenever a man stood close to her. I didn’t want to be the little girl who was afraid to speak because I didn’t want to be laughed at. I didn’t want to be the teenager who’d take my exit from a room full of friends and family so that I could go read a book alone. I wanted to be normal, but my definition of it.
I never took advice from people. Never dressed or acted like anyone else. Never enjoyed being around crowds or feigning interest in things because other people were interested. I have always been my half interesting/half interested, seemingly mal-adjusted self. My own tribe. And every person in my group of family and friends will say that I have always been whomever I wanted to be at any particular moment, without being horribly concerned about what everyone else thought I should or could be.
I have been myself. By myself. For myself. I have gone to war with myself for the sake of others, in an attempt to create a self that they could appreciate. But I have always come back to myself. I say all that to say this: I’ve always been happily alone-even in relationships. Right now is the first time that I’m purposely moving out of my shell and into someone else’s space. I’m trying to trust her completely but it’s hard because I’ve had somant extreme cases of mistrust come to fruition. But I’m trying. Turning me into the we I’ve always wanted means confronting everything That I think I know about myself, and every day I do a little more by saying a little less, and vice versa. I’m being the best woman I can be to (for) the person that I think is the best woman I’ll ever know. That’s what I know how to do. I’m trying to create a new normal-That has to count for something.