…it’s that I do better by others when I’m unable to think. Because when I am able to think, I can see and feel clearly…and I begin to make decisions. Over the last week or so, I’ve felt the dark curtains opening up and I feel like I’m making my way above the clouds. The depression that I’ve been in for months, and in an out of for the last couple of years…is done. Whoa. It’s like I’m a new person and EVERYTHING looks and feels different. The amount of clarity that I’m experiencing is mind-blowing, and it’s about awn time considering that I’ve been praying for clarity daily for at least the last month -___-. I know what I’m gonna do to go forward with my business plan an I’m excited about that. I finagled a way to get back on track with my second PhD and I’m excited about that as well. I know exactly what I want from my forever person. And I know that I’ll have to be okay if, because of what I want, my sweetie isn’t it.
I’ve wanted her for an incredibly long time, but the fact is that no part of her personality ever made clear that she wanted marriage or a family. No part of her ever made clear that she had the ability to be over-the-moon in love with anyone. Every conversation said that she was great at wooing women. At understanding them. At keeping them interested. Not so great at staying interested herself. Or viewing a strong relationship as another of life’s major milestones. Just because I saw it in her, never meant that certain personality aspects were meant to come to fruition with me. That’s where I am. I’m inconveniently in love with her and the main inconvenience comes from knowing that she’s not yet okay with being in that same space. That she’s perfect and giving and loving but only comfortable with being such to a certain extent. And I can’t help but love even that about her because it’s a constant reminder of her strength. She isn’t easily moved once her mind is made up, and that’s commendable, but that fact is that at times she is downright stubborn for the sake of being so, and that’s problematic.
I want marriage. Really. I want kids. I want my own familial unit. I want love to always be the prevailing force and I want the safety net of MY person. I want lingering kisses flowed by grists and biscuits on Saturday mornings. I want my sweetie stumbling around the kitchen to make me dinner for date night. I want to be wrapped in a sugary sweet cocoon of love, strength, and loyalty. I want my kids, my friends, and our associates to get it when they’re around us. To feel love and loved. Kim and I are currently in a space where we can stay here, at this level with one another and be perfectly comfortable for a long time. Plenty of people do it and will continue to. But I’m ready to fully put myself out there enough to be on the next level. The level that says ‘we were, we are, we will be’. Constantly, consistently, continually US and OUR unit. I don’t want ‘okay’ anymore, I want ‘great’. I just can’t want it alone.
I’ve watched my favorite exes get themselves and their situations together via social media and I am so moved. I’ve gotten the messages from both telling me how right I was not to honor their pursuits, and to instead push them further toward their future. They’re happy…they have their families…they’re experiencing that feeling that I told them they would if they’d just stop holding back and my elation is palpable! Watching women that I’ve loved, but never enough to think forever with, create their forevers makes me want to continue sending them positive and loving vibes. It also makes me realize that I should have done better, and should surely do better for myself. So I will.