No Smoke Without Fire

I’ve cried myself to sleep at least 4 times a week for at least the last month. That’s how intensely these physical sexual urges are presenting themselves, and how not being able to handle them is affecting me. My dr said that Im at the age of increased libido and will be for the next 5 or 6 years. That paired with the previous trauma and high levels of stress have turned me into what I can only imagine a sex addict actually does feel like. This is horrible. What makes it even more horrible is having a partner that won’t meet me somewhere closer to halfway. Notice, I said won’t, not can’t. 

I’m extremely disappointed. Not just that she isn’t being the same person that she was at the beginning-apparently, that happens a lot in relationships…although I’ll never understand it. I’m infinitely more disappointed in the fact that she won’t even make an attempt. She won’t even explore ways that maybe she can increase her interest. She won’t even challenge herself to fucking try. Yet again, it’s me knowing how hard she goes for things that are important to her, and watching hey NOT do the same for me…and that shit hurts so badly. 

I want sex that lasts for more than 15 minutes. I want to be turned on by my partner and not be the only one. I want to sext and flirt and look forward to time alone. I want to have sex that isn’t just at night…in the bed…before we go to sleep…as an afterthought. I want to feel confident about my sexuality again because, for the second relationship in a row, I just feel unsexy and unwanted. She has walls up pertaining to her sexuality and I wish she would just work with me and talk to me instead of acting like a MAJOR disconnect doesn’t exist. I’m sad, I’m frustrated, and I honestly don’t know what to do. 

So, for the sake of making sure that I can still function decently in my relationship, I’m gonna let my dr shoot my clitoris with a 4 inch needle in an attempt to quell my sexual urges, but that will only be a temporary fix, if at all. Surprisingly enough, I can honestly say that this is not just about the sex. I could find a fix for the sex, whether it’s another person or a pill…the sex itself isn’t the blaring issue. So what is? It’s feeling like the woman I love lacks physical attraction to me. It’s making yourself fully open and available to another person in every way, and having that person not do the same. It’s finally falling in love with the woman that you spent years believing was your perfect match, only to find that who she presented is not who she is. 

I’m crying again. I now realize the part that hurts me the most-it’s having a woman that says she truly loves you and will do anything for you, but would rather you cheat and leave her alone about a subject than try to discuss it because she’s tired of talking about it…or would rather avoid it. And I feel like an awful person because I can’t fix myself enough for this to not be an issue anymore. When it comes down to it, I feel like she doesn’t respect the things that I view as important, so she doesn’t make a point to bother working on them because…why would she? I’m emotional and ‘extra’ and unbalanced and illogical and apparently that is why what I’m saying I NEED doesn’t seem to matter. Romance…sexual energy…recognition. Those are of no use to her so why bother? That’s the part that breaks my poor little passion-filled heart. I made the decision that I want to spend my life with this woman. Which means if there’s ever ANYTHING that she needs me to do to make her happy, I’ll do it without a second thought because I don’t ever want to lose her. But even with her knowing everything about my major relationships and how certain aspects affected me, she’s still okay with putting herself in a potential place of losing me because the needs that I’ve always made so clear simply aren’t worth concerning herself with. And that’s definitely something to cry about. 

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