Monday

Today, I am tired of people. Truly exhausted. I am also tired of the effect that I allow people to have on me. In the hardest way possible, I have learned what life has been trying to teach me for most of my life: only be as good and loyal to people as they are to you. No other way around it. I used to think that it was childish to measure how much of yourself that you gave to people. Doing so would mean that I wasn’t giving people the benefit of the doubt…which is unfair. But I’ve been noticing how even people who you give the benefit of the doubt to in the most fucked up situations, won’t do the same for you. That matters.

Last week, I sent out an email that basically said my company was shutting it’s doors. That they would all be paid out within the next week and that I’d make sure that they were assigned to their specific clients. Which was the truth, considering that the IRS isn’t rushing to allow me access to personal or business funds, and I’d rather momentarily shutter the company than have people constantly waiting for pay. Either way, I waited semi-patiently for responses. Every employee responded back to say how much it sucked and ask how I was doing and feeling. Every one. Who didn’t? The two ex employees who are still owed money. One, who I was hoping would be a mini-me, who I found a job working for Kim bc her boyfriend couldn’t handle her schedule and environment -__-. The second, who consistently stole grubhub even though he knew he wasn’t supposed to be using it, and for whom I STILL reached out to find him another position with a museum.

Now, I believe in bad apples, and that one doesn’t spoil the whole bunch, but I also went to greater lengths for these employees than most others because I felt a connection of some sort with them or their plight. So imagine the feeling of disappointment when I find out that one person is talking shit about me around MY GIRLFRIEND’S office, and the other is using the fuck out of grubhub and taking full advantage of me and my company by ordering $50 and $60 ‘lunches’ when he’s not even working! That shit stings. Kinda like when Eva, my other potential golden girl, threatened me during a company meeting. Although she begged for her position back, I was told a few weeks ago by another employee that she’s unemployed but says she’s happy to have missed the ‘shit show’ that my company became. See. Those are the things that drive me absolutely bonkers. Absolutely. But I’m finding that people are only as loyal as their next check, and that’s a sad thing.

What I’m realizing most is that maybe Kim was kinda right. I overpaid people. I gave them company-sponsored lunch and Ubers. I spoiled my employees and I’m sure most of them were and are incredibly grateful, but the few that aren’t make me want to adjust my business model in a major way, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. My loyalty lies with myself…and Kim. With building successful businesses as a team, keeping our home in good order, and creating something bigger than ourselves. That’s the real-life goal. The fact is that I’ve never failed at anything. Never been fired from a job. Never tried for something that I didn’t get. That being said, the current state of my business is not only astonishing to me but almost maddening because I keep thinking of all of the ways that I could’ve made effective changes so as not to get to this point. Yet, If I truly believe in the universe as I do, then I have to take this as another lesson that’s going to make me better for the next big thing. Obviously, a humbling was needed and I can’t think of any way that would’ve been more effective lol.

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