Down

I’ve had a ton of goals over my lifetime. Reached em all in decent timing. But only one dream since I was about 4. It’s my earliest memory that hasn’t been blocked by trauma. My only dream has always been to be a wife to a person that loves me more than they love themselves. 

I remember the moment I began to want that. We were walking in the store. I was pushing Eric in the basket and trying to hold Dee’s hand so she wouldn’t run off. My mom was somewhere in front of us. As was the usual, some store patron commented on how well behaved we were. We smiled and said ‘thank you’. Then her husband walked up from behind her and grabbed her hand. He waved and smiled at us while his wife talked to my mom. Then he looked at his wife with a look that a couldn’t describe then but know exactly what it was now: Veneration. At that moment, something inside me said ‘I want that’ and it’s been a dream ever since. 

26 years spent in wanting makes me…anxious. Because in my mind, the most honorable position in the world is to be a great wife. To love another person completely and give yourself to them while accepting all that they have to give as well. I feel like there are soooo many things I can do and be. Rich, beautiful, smart, successful. I can run a company or have 22 degrees. I can speak to crowds and receive standing ovations. Those are easy. Those are not the reasons why I want to be loved or considered amazing. I want to be amazing just because. Because on Tuesday I sat in the window and read a book for an hour. Because on Wednesday I got excited about a lame joke. Because on Thursday I sung a song while I cooked. I want to be me. Outside of what I’m doing. I want to BE me. And I want to be adored for that reason alone. And when a woman can make me feel safe in her veneration of me, I will happily take on the challenge of being an amazing wife to her. But I will not settle for less than my dream. 

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