I have no idea what I’m doing right now. With anyone. About anything. No clue. But there are things that I am learning that likely would’ve been bypassed or avoided before. I am learning and understanding patience. With people, with circumstances, and with life in general. I am learning how much intentions do count for. I am learning how protective I am over those that I love. I am learning how I love. Like, what it feels like for me. Amazing how I never realized it before now.
I want remain in love and continue having a family with Kim. We may not have kids…shit, we may never…but we have us…and the cat…and the dogs…and our parents and siblings. We have allowed the other to carve out space in our lives and I don’t take that lightly. I have a space in my heart and mind where only she fits. I think it was intentional. She was intentional. This is intentional. I’m finding how much choice has to do with love. The free spirit in me used to always say that you love people and stay with them as long as you’re supposed to. What comes comes and what goes is gone. I don’t believe that anymore. I pay close attention to the effect of choice. I choose to be loving and affectionate. I choose to give of myself and my time wholeheartedly. I choose to ignore extraneous people and activities in order to keep my relationship space safe and free of disrespect. Those are all active choices made daily…hourly at times. Those are the choices that I want to make because I want my relationship to work.
There are other things I could be doing. Other ways I could handle my temporary disappointments or bouts with boredom. Yet, I choose to act in a way that assures my other half that no matter what happens, her heart is safe here. As it always will be. I’ve began attempting to block myself back off for the sake of no longer being the one who loves more. It’s hurtful, tiring, and uninspiring. But it’s also who I am. I give love and affection freely and without pause to the woman I’m in love with. I compromise everything for the sake of the relationship. It’s not weakness, it’s choice. And I realize that it’s the one thing I have that other women seem to lack, and the one reason why old lovers return. Or try to.
I’m also learning how to better assess people and their intentions. It’s always been a strong suit but sometimes, who I want people to be gets in the way of my process. I genuinely want every good person that I encounter to win. I also genuinely want the awful people to lose. I never thought much about it until I had the convo with Kim today about why I kept one of my employees that I said I’d let go of. I started off thinking that he was trash like his mom. And he did things that pretty much proved that. But once my opinion was formed, I threw him in the same boat and wrote him off. Until I paid more attention. When I fired him, I watched his face go from confusion to shame. Then to neutrality. I then watched him get his check and head out. Didn’t think much of it until he texted me on his way to the bank. It said ‘I know my mom needs this check, but I don’t want it more than this job. I can bring it back to you and we can figure something else out’. It gave me pause and I had to reconsider what I thought I already knew of him. So I did as I always do and went at it head on.
I told him we’d talk later then called to figure out what was actually going on. He broke down crying and said that he just wanted a chance and he felt like he had one. I asked why he’d take advantage of the company when he first got there and he said his mom would ask him to order dinner for the house and he didn’t have it. That he fucked up and wasn’t trying to he was just trying to make a better life and not be like the people around him. That he’d work for free if he had to, he just needed a chance. Something resonated with me. Maybe it was remembering how it felt to be different from the rest of the family. Maybe it was remembering how badly I just needed a chance from somebody when I was younger too. Maybe it was because black boy tears make me incredibly weak. It was likely a bit of all three. But I caved and it surprised even me because it’s not something I do. Especially not when I’ve been crossed.
The fact is, some people are not at all what we imagine, or how we originally assess. While his mom makes it obvious that she is only out for self, I’ve watched her son anytime we were supposed to meet somewhere and he always hands at least a dollar to homeless people. I pay attention to the fact that he puts the money for him to give out on a separate pocket than his other money. I used to do the exactly same thing. So I gave home the benefit of the doubt and let him continue on. And I don’t feel any kind of way about it.
I’ve had two employees really cross me and they were both women that I gave the benefit of the doubt because I wanted them to be something thy they were incapable of being anyway. I looked at their potential and did everything I could to help them reach it. One allowed her ego to make her make a fool of herself, which I knew would end up happening if she didn’t adjust herself. The other turned against me the first chance she got just because she was around a different group of people, which I also could’ve called, considering the fact that she let her boyfriend run her and was clearly weak enough to be influenced. The funny thing is that both continue to live in my inbox about having their job back. In fact, I just cancelled their company emails a few days ago, only for both to text me and ask why lol. My answer was ‘because you don’t and won’t be working for me’. It’s crazy how things work.
Moving forward, I want my company to continue representing the values that I hold dearest: relaxed atmosphere, hard work, and outstanding pay. That’s important to me and I have no doubt I’ll find a way to make it happen. As far as my relationship, I want my there half to choose me…and love…and being loving. I want her to stop being so easily influenced and be the influencer that she is. I want her to rid herself of that eagerness to please and the want to be everything to everybody so that she can realize that she is EVERYTHING already. She does everything. She is the one who is most deserving of loyalty and respect. I want her to see herself how I see her. And myself…I want to let go of the weakness I’ve picked up from being forced into dependence. I want to choose myself just as much as I choose Kim. I want to regain my control over this journey, however difficult. I am deserving of the freedom that came along with the way I chose to live my life. No explanations. Just the happiness and excitement that comes along with doing things my way. I’m starting on my next book, one I will be proud to release and that won’t be for simple-minded time passing. I’m choosing to write the first page today.