Today, I got asked why I’ve been looking so unwell as of late. Instead of saying ‘Glad you asked. It’s because I’m in a depression that I can’t get out of but I have to act like I’m out of in order to function like a ‘normal’ adult. Thanks’. Instead, my answer was that I’m a little under the weather today, but I’ll be feeling better in a day or two.
I need the ability to not do anything in order to fix this and I don’t have that ability anymore. My mind is no longer my own. Even when I’m not at work or doing work things my mind is on employees…and payroll…and clients…and our new building…and other potential investments. It’s on Kim…and her happiness…and what we’ll do next. It’s on a house…whether we’ll build or buy…how much this process will cost…I am overwhelmed, as always. I need to lie on a beach and do…nothing…for at least a day. And I wish I could change Kim and I’s Ireland trip to Brazil or Puerto Rico, but I know that she’s excited. I guess you can say that I am too, because I love seeing her smile.
I’m gonna pick it up and get it together…quickly. I’m gonna dig my way out of this darkness as soon as I can and I’ll stop having to fake the happiness that I should be feeling. Right now I just feel…unwilling.