I know what I need. I don’t know how to articulate it well enough to ask for it, but I know what I need. I know what it feels like. Therein lies my problem. Everything creates a feeling in me. Everything creates a reaction, more often than not involuntary.
I pride myself on being a clear communicator, except when it comes to matters of the heart. I am so blessed when it comes to having an amazing girlfriend. She’s sweet, she’s committed (I hope), she’s intuitive, and (mostly) selfless. I love her because she has a vision and is ardently pursuing it. I am IN love with her because I believe that she is capable of being my forever person, once she gains confidence in opening up. Once she allows and expects me to love her as I should.
But I worry. I worry that maybe my idea of her is wrong and I see her as being what I want because I want it. And that scares me more than anything because, whether she actually wants it or not, I have committed myself to the idea of ‘us’.
So, I want to talk to her. I want to tell her what I need from her…from us, but I am not prepared to have my ideals shattered. I don’t have a plan for us not working. And I should. I always do. But I am wrapped around her finger in a ridiculous way and she never even asked for that from me! How the hell should I be expected to create an out? No, I don’t want to deal so I’ll continue avoiding both having my needs met and having my heart broken.