This morning, I had to meditate to clear my energy. I went to my meeting, had my company meeting at work, then made my way over to my next client. I watched a man get fired, then watched him look to me with rage in his eyes like I was the reason. I felt anger at a level that I haven’t felt in awhile so I took it upon myself to leave before I said or did something rash. I started walking, and only stopped to create this post. Unlike some of my fellow Americans, I was not overly concerned about this election. Politics are just that. Racists are just that. And there have been worst, more racist climates that African-Americans have endured. The anger that I regularly carry around with me stems from a different place. A place rooted in sadness and anchored by the illusion of choice in matters where there is none, and the havoc it wreaks psychologically on people’s decision-making.
The election proved it, as well as my two earlier meetings. The first was me signing an NDA for a new position. All seemed well until I got to the section that basically said that even if the organization felt compelled to create a smear campaign against me (for whatever reason), I was not allowed to make any derogatory statements against the organization without penalty of lawsuit. It pissed me off because it basically told me that the freedom and inclusion they wanted my position to represent, did not actually exist.
The second meeting consisted of me sitting down with a work associate and his boss in order to discuss words we’d exchange yesterday, only for his boss to decide to fire him IN the meeting. I was appalled, he was angry, and his boss was looking at me gratefully, as if I’d given them just the reason they’d needed to let him go. Which angered me enough to get up and walk out of the meeting immediately, because I don’t like being used as a scapegoat.
I don’t know where the sense of resolve in my mind comes from. I just know that there are certain instances that DO NOT bode well with me. I believe in being a standup person and I despise those who aren’t. Simple as that. Being a person who sought pleasure in whatever way I could get it, I’ve done my fair share of actions that left me guilt-ridden and hating myself. In order to counteract that, I did the work to make myself better, stronger, and more morally grounded. And I find that the only reason people won’t do the same is because changing insists that you hold yourself accountable, and that’s the one thing most people are vehemently unwilling to do.
I am…concerned for our country from a financial standpoint. Yet, I realize that it is unfair to me to hold our country to certain standards that I don’t hold myself to. So, today, I will make a point to handle the outstanding personal and financial issues I’ve been putting off. I will take a long walk to the store so that I can think more clearly about my next financial moves. I will cook and have a necessary conversation with my S.O. about financial and personal future goals. I will build…and commit…and do. When everything falls apart, all we can do is ensure that our house is in order, and right now, mine isn’t. But it will be.