At this moment, I have been in a depression for about 5 months. A real one. And all of the talking, thinking, and convincing in the world won’t bring me out of it. Life’s normal course hasn’t helped. I’ve been pushing and straining and acting and coercing and…failing. Trying to be and feel happy when I no longer even know what that is anymore.
My only savior has been my sweetie, and that’s one of the main issues. She can’t be my reason because she doesn’t do well with dependence. Dependence equals responsibility and she has more than enough of that as is. I can swoon and write letters and express my constant love and gratitude for her…to an extent. Because any expression that makes her feel too responsible for me and my emotions can send us careening down into oblivion. So I don’t do that. I tell her that I love her. That she’s amazing. That I’m constantly awed by her. I give her the mild version of my feelings because I can’t tell her that she’s the reason I get out of bed each day. Period. I can’t say those things because although people act as if they understand depression, after so long, they begin to see it as a character flaw too great to bear. And while three or four days of not wanting to get out of bed can be ‘depression’, 26 of those days turn into ‘lazy and unmotivated’.
I have a million things to live for. My book is coming. My money is straightening itself out. Family is weird but there’s nothing I can do about that. I just feel like I don’t care. That’s what the darkness does. It envelopes me and I don’t care. About anything. And I wouldn’t mind disappearing and leaving everything I have to the woman who has been my light for much longer than I could ever admit to her. I’ve already made preparations. My attorney knows that if ever something were to happen to me, or if I decided I wanted to just go away, everything…EVERYTHING goes to my s.o. Her name is on everything that I own, even the family farm. I’ve helped family and friends but for over a year, Kim is the only one who has helped me. She has set aside her personal wants and needs and done everything for me so she will get it all, with me knowing that there’s no better person to be responsible for such a sickening amount of assets. And she deserves every dollar…every piece of land…every stock and gem I have ever owned. I would sign my name on the dotted line right now, hand it over to her, and live my life as a pauper just to see her beautiful smile.
That’s where I am, emotionally. I am damaged, and I feel like my damage may be causing damage to her. I’m tired of talking about it. Tired of neglecting to explain that her and the animals are really the only reason I manage to function each day. Because that sounds crazy. And I don’t want to be considered crazy, because I’m not. I’m just…sad. And the moments that I haven’t carried this sadness around have been few and far between. I just want to get to the place where I’m not hurting anymore-where sadness and aloofness isn’t my normal.
Maybe, the past year has affected me in a way much worse than I thought, and I simply don’t have the tools to dig my way out of this tunnel. I don’t know what it’ll take for me to grasp the happiness I’ve always sought so desperately. I just know that as each day goes by, it seems further away. Sigh. I had to write this post out because…idk…had to clear some space so I can go back to being funny and light. So that I can hide behind words and entertain the masses. So I can read over my book edits without mentally checking out. Now I can post the ridiculous amount of drafts waiting for me lol. Oh, what fun…