Thoughts On a Saturday

I don’t like being told what to do. It may be because I’m an alpha female…or a capricorn…or I have MAJOR issues with authority. Regardless of the reason, I don’t like being told what to do. Not a suggestion. Or a remark. Or a fucking opinion. Offer me advice if I ask. Answer a question or two. But as far as offering unwarranted comments-don’t. Mostly because I have a bad attitude and an incredibly smart mouth. Secondly, because I just don’t like it, and why on earth would a person do something that they know someone else doesn’t like? Either way, my disdain for authoritative stances wouldn’t be much to write about, if my s.o. didn’t have a Masters degree in Micromanagement. Random thought, although I can’t help but adore her, for some reason.

Lol, either way, I’m making my way out of the black hole, slowly, and today has felt a little better. I’m still super stressed about finances considering I have a payroll coming out next week and rent that still hasn’t been paid, but at least I had enough to take care of the other household bills. Gotta be happy with small victories at this point. I need an escape but there is none so I’ll muddle through. Get my work done…write as many articles as are requested of me…do my hair and prepare for much of the same dogged monotony. Such is (adult) life, right?

Another random thought, I’m tired of women asking me out. I know that seems silly, but it kinda annoys me to consistently explain to people why I don’t want to go on a date with them. It seems as if telling them that I have a girlfriend just isn’t enough, which, if that isn’t cause for concern going into a potential relationship, I surely don’t know what is. Fact is, it’s easy for me to think about cheating. It’s something I’ve always done. If I met a woman who I thought could meet my (mental but mostly) physical needs, how long would it normally be before we ended up as more than just friends? But with me being happy in my relationship, what would be the point of opening my spirit up to anyone else? I wouldn’t mind a woman with a sex drive that better matched mine, but in being in love with my s.o., no part of me would ever give another woman a chance to get close enough for sex. So, again, what is the point? Considering it pointless, due to the fact that I do have someone special in my life, makes the conversations with randoms increasingly hard and annoying, especially after I move past the ‘I have a girlfriend’ portion of the conversation and the wannabe suitor seems unmoved.

I dated one chick here and it felt as close to love as I could get at that moment. I liked to look at her, she was (semi) intelligent, she was (super) affectionate, and would cook for me and spend the rest of the day (or night, or weekend) making my body feel incredible. Even with all of the (seemingly) good things that went one in that situationship, the sexual high that I got there was not on the same level as the emotional high that I get here. And in knowing that my most important needs are being met here, I’m not quite sure how I’ve ever made it make sense in my own mind to cheat before. Although in other relationships, there was MUCH more missing than physicality, I figure if I would have actually attempted to work toward something more as opposed to running into the arms of someone else, then maybe they would’ve worked out. Probably not, though, considering that from the moment I met my s.o. in person I knew that there wasn’t anywhere else I should be. Ever. So I guess things worked (or didn’t work) out exactly as they were meant to. *shrugs*

I need to win this powerball. I need to get this court case against the IRS over with. I need to come into $3,000 personal dollars within the next 24 hours so that I can at least pay the rent. I NEED to stop thinking too much about finances because it’s only causing me to emit negative energy, but how am I supposed to avoid it? Now I know why poor people stay poor. When you’re in a financial bind, it is incredibly difficult to have a positive outlook on money. Regardless, I need to get mine back. Like, now.

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