Sometimes, I Think It’s Me…

…most times, I know it isn’t. I can’t sleep because I’m angsty. Not a real word, but the only one that currently applies. I’m angsty because my dr thinks that 2 months  in the hospital is necessary to restore my health. More angsty because, although it sucks, I believe him based on how I’ve been feeling lately. I’m angsty because my sweetie was here with me emotionally for a while then she checked back out. She’s put a layer of protection back on and has returned to the space of not trusting me. It hurts. I’ve gotten so close to her that I physically feel the pain in my heart of her distance. It’s crazy to me how the only person that knows everything about me can find herself not trusting me but there’s nothing more I can do. 

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I can’t control any of this. My s.o. gets what she wants when she wants it so the lack of an actual titled and committed relationship makes it clear that she doesn’t want that. She will never trust me enough to love me (or vice versa) and I can see how that would make it impossible to fully commit. 

I’m angsty because all of my desperate attempts to regain my independence are being thwarted. I’m trying to understand how this will make me better or stronger but the notion is obviously going over my head. I’ve checked out of life. Going through the motions isn’t hard and it helps me deal with things by not dealing. 

I know I should try harder on every front. I plan to, but only in arenas I can control. I can put forth more effort in my health. More effort in my business. Can’t put anything more into Kim because I can’t control the outcome. I’ve put everything out there already. I have to find a way to combat the constant confusion and memory loss that I’ve been experiencing more often than usual. Makes me forget words and ideas. Conversations that were had. Whatever I was doing 10 minutes ago. The shit is scary. Watching my mind and body breakdown has been horrific and my semi-constant level of stress and inability to compartmentalize only makes matters worse. 

I’m tired and all I want to do is sleep but my mind won’t shut off so, again, I’ll focus on what I can control, which is what happens next. I have a lunch meeting today and need to ensure that all of the calls I need to make are made and done with. I need to get my mail and computer. I need to pick my prescription up. I need to make sure furniture will be in our house by tomorrow, that all of the bills are paid ahead, and that the animals are okay. I need to make sure we’ve received at least the first copy of my book contract by Monday for negotiations and that I get everything in order in New York Tuesday and Wednesday, especially making sure my house has been legally put into Kim’s name. 

I need to do one or two things that make me smile. Shit, maybe that should be first on the list. There’s my problem lol. 

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