Just…Here

I don’t like chaos. Not a complete fan of order either. I’m unsure of what kind of person that makes me lol. What I am sure of is that I simply am. On a regular basis, I’ve become more comfortable with being myself, especially around Kim, and that feels nice. She feels nice. Anyway, before I fill the rest of this page up with heart emojis, I’ll switch subjects. 

Business is going well and I’m beginning to feel excitement about what I’m doing here. To be in control of everything seemed like such a daunting task before. Now, I’m actually learning and growing daily and I appreciate it. I’ll never be one to act like I know everything, so I’m easily excited anytime I’m taking in new knowledge. My accountant asked me to do a business growth plan and I haven’t started on it yet because I’m honestly unsure of what I want my business to become. I’m struggling to think that far ahead. Not sure why. 

Mike has found three solid publishers for my book and I’m waiting on their offer letters. I’m beyond excited about that. I’m realizing my dreams, one step at a time. When I get my offers, that’s when I’ll tell Kim about it and have her help me choose. It amazes me sometimes how much I respect and trust her feedback. 

I’m in my arena right now. I’m doing what I want to do how I want to do it and it’s nice. I want my family along for this ride but I just tend to do so much better when I keep them at arm’s length. Sad but true. Elena called it. The space is doing me some good. 

Sometimes, though, I do find myself escaping. I think about how hard childhood really was for me and the fact that I don’t remember any happy instances. I think about the tough moments that adulthood has presented me with. I consider that I don’t really know how to hold on to happiness. Maybe I haven’t worked through every issue (probably not). I’m considering seeing a therapist again because sometimes I find myself feeling attacked or paranoid for no reason. A part of me is still waiting on the other shoe to drop, especially pertaining to Kim, and that is NOT how life is to be lived. 

I know that I have a ton of mental situations going on that keep me from feeling a lot, and it’s probably for the best, but I’m glad that I’m capable of feeling a high level of adoration and openness toward my sweetie. She deserves that. I think. Lol. 

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