I Wonder If the Universe Knows How Hard I’m Trying

Today I cried. Like, really fucking cried. Had the red eyes and snotty nose and all. Because I was exhausted. And I wanted to give up in that moment. 

I woke up happy. Excited even. I had a plan for the day and as long as I worked the plan of be good to go. Unfortunately the plan decided to go wrong with the first item on my daily list. I called the company that owes us a check and they decided to be dicks and basically force us to sue them. Or, at the very least, wait for money that’s rightfully owed. That annoyed me, but it was ignored as I got prepared for the rest of the day. 

Not long after that, I got a series of texts and calls from my ex that consisted of much of the usual. Stupid bitch this, petty hoe that, undeserving disgrace to women everywhere, etc, etc. Then I got a text saying she’d had one of my pods moved to an undisclosed location. Sure enough, when I called, I was told that she’d paid to have the New York pod moved to the facility in Florida and had changed the contact email on the account. I spoke to a manager and changed the information back, as well as adding a passcode to the account. Yet another annoyance that just gave me a headache. 

Next, I had the worst uber driver on earth navigating me to the museum to meet with my future boss turned client. I got to the meeting frazzled but adjusted my mood quickly. 

The meeting actually went extremely well. The boss was understanding and relaxed throughout our conversation. He offered me options to growth and even gave me a list of contacts for networking purposes. When I left the meeting I made my way to look at two potential office spaces that were actually pretty cool. Then, I headed to the bank to get a temporary card and of course their machine wasn’t working, which was fine. I pulled out $20 to carry with me while I walked to the next bank and was back on my merry way. I was able to get all of the information that I needed in my stock situation and found that I have a lot more as far as assets than I thought, which made me happy. 

I never made it to the next bank because I started talking to a homeless woman when I stopped at the post office to mail off the threatening letter that had to go to company holding out funds. Then my mom called to talk and threw me all the way off. Upon leaving, I gave the homeless woman the change from the $20 then called an uber and headed home. I was going over the notes I’d saved from the homeless woman’s story and kinda zoned out, I guess, because when I looked up I was home. Except, I wasn’t supposed to be home because there was no way for me to get in. AND I’d forgotten to go to the next damn bank. 

After a short moment of annoyance, I waked in the rain to the bus stop then realized that I didn’t have my train card because it was in my backpack, nor did I have any money because I’d given it all to the woman. I called for an uber and stepped in a puddle while looking down at my phone. Then I saw that the estimated arrival time for the uber was 37 minutes. In the rain. With my broken umbrella. At that point, I was done. My spirit was officially broken and I couldn’t hold in my tears of frustration anymore so I cried. At the bus stop. In the middle of a Tuesday afternoon. 

Then I stopped, because I considered the position I was currently in. I was standing. I wasn’t locked up or in the hospital. For the most part, I actually felt pretty good about life. So I adjusted myself once again, and quietly waited on my ride. I allied my sweetie just to hear her voice, but she was busy so I reminded myself to be content. 

I thought about the fact that I have to stop leaning on Kim for everything. She has a goal that she’s working toward and I’m sure that puts enough on her plate without me adding to it. So I’ve resolved to let her be. I’ll work on what I’m working on and let her continue her journey. 

On my end, as long as I can remember to think in positive terms first, I’ll navigate a little more efficiently and won’t get frazzled so easily. Even as I write this, my ex immigrants is texting me from one of her other numbers about how sorry she is for what she did. You see, everyday, I pay more attention to the importance of each decision, because it’s clear what bad decision making has led to. I’m still learning…still trying, and that’s the best that I can do sometimes. 

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