As a person who writes, I am an expert at walking the line between conceit and insecurity. While I spend an insane amount of time believing that I’m probably better/smarter/more witty than everyone else, I spend about the same amount of time wondering how I’ve even made it this far because I’m hopeless, dim-witted, and generally embrace failure as a person. The inconsistency of my thoughts has never been the problem, though. I currently happen to be dating someone that I am completely enamored by and I have no clue who or how to be. I know, I know, the only response is to tell me to be myself (side eye). The problem is that this self can and does change at any given moment. While we all have variations of our general personality, I don’t think that anyone varies as wildly as a writer. We live in a world where we find or create plots, story lines, and complex characters for fun! Sometimes, it’s rather difficult to figure out where the character ends and we begin. Sometimes, it’s neither us nor a character, just a blank space that we’re staring off into while ignoring all else around us.
The closest that I get to myself, my true self, is when I’m writing. I can directly connect to my mind then and put words down without thinking about how the words affect the character or what the eventual outcome will be. That’s where the struggle begins. As much as I love writing being the only way that I can free my mind, I often wonder how long it’ll be before she (my s.o.) tires of me and my ways. How long until my words on paper no longer move her and do not suffice as a means of communication? How long before quirky and aloof is no longer cute and endearing, it’s weird and annoying? Every night I fight the urge to write to her saying everything and nothing and the main reason I try to hold off is because I don’t want her to ever tire of my words. I don’t want them to seem old or stale, but necessary and refreshing and I don’t want to seem like an outcast, yet again, because I am so deep and thoughtful and….waaayyyy too much to deal with.
So, who will I be? Maybe the elusive woman who prefers books to people. Or maybe the cold hearted woman who couldn’t care less about people, let alone love. I could even try being the super chill girl who just wants to have fun. But, before I fall into character, I think I’ll try being myself and see how that works out. I’ll clear the clutter in my mind the only way that I know how and allow her to be an (unwilling) active participant in my emotional exploration. In the worst case scenario, it will provide you guys with entertainment, and that’s not the worst thing in the world lol.