I’m unfulfilled, but it’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I’ve spent a lifetime treating people exactly how I want to be treated, only to experience the disappointment in the half-assing our relationship or friendship. And I feel like I make it to easy for people to be in great standing considering I’m super easy to please. So I’m feeling the change that is about to redirect me and I’m thinking ‘oh boy’ lol, but when it comes down to it, I just want to experience happiness again, so I will.
I grew up wanting to be normal, although I wasn’t sure of exactly what that represented. I wanted to be super smart, but never in a way that made people feel stupid. I wanted to be beautiful, but bot in a way that represented ‘typical’ beauty standards. I wanted to be wealthy, but not in an exclusionary way. I didn’t want to be the little girl who damn near broke into tears whenever a man stood close to her. I didn’t want to be the little girl who was afraid to speak because I didn’t want to be laughed at. I didn’t want to be the teenager who’d take my exit from a room full of friends and family so that I could go read a book alone. I wanted to be normal, but my definition of it.
I never took advice from people. Never dressed or acted like anyone else. Never enjoyed being around crowds or feigning interest in things because other people were interested. I have always been my half interesting/half interested, seemingly mal-adjusted self. My own tribe. And every person in my group of family and friends will say that I have always been whomever I wanted to be at any particular moment, without being horribly concerned about what everyone else thought I should or could be.
I have been myself. By myself. For myself. I have gone to war with myself for the sake of others, in an attempt to create a self that they could appreciate. But I have always come back to myself. I say all that to say this: I’ve always been happily alone-even in relationships. Right now is the first time that I’m purposely moving out of my shell and into someone else’s space. I’m trying to trust her completely but it’s hard because I’ve had somant extreme cases of mistrust come to fruition. But I’m trying. Turning me into the we I’ve always wanted means confronting everything That I think I know about myself, and every day I do a little more by saying a little less, and vice versa. I’m being the best woman I can be to (for) the person that I think is the best woman I’ll ever know. That’s what I know how to do. I’m trying to create a new normal-That has to count for something.
…it’s that I do better by others when I’m unable to think. Because when I am able to think, I can see and feel clearly…and I begin to make decisions. Over the last week or so, I’ve felt the dark curtains opening up and I feel like I’m making my way above the clouds. The depression that I’ve been in for months, and in an out of for the last couple of years…is done. Whoa. It’s like I’m a new person and EVERYTHING looks and feels different. The amount of clarity that I’m experiencing is mind-blowing, and it’s about awn time considering that I’ve been praying for clarity daily for at least the last month -___-. I know what I’m gonna do to go forward with my business plan an I’m excited about that. I finagled a way to get back on track with my second PhD and I’m excited about that as well. I know exactly what I want from my forever person. And I know that I’ll have to be okay if, because of what I want, my sweetie isn’t it.
I’ve wanted her for an incredibly long time, but the fact is that no part of her personality ever made clear that she wanted marriage or a family. No part of her ever made clear that she had the ability to be over-the-moon in love with anyone. Every conversation said that she was great at wooing women. At understanding them. At keeping them interested. Not so great at staying interested herself. Or viewing a strong relationship as another of life’s major milestones. Just because I saw it in her, never meant that certain personality aspects were meant to come to fruition with me. That’s where I am. I’m inconveniently in love with her and the main inconvenience comes from knowing that she’s not yet okay with being in that same space. That she’s perfect and giving and loving but only comfortable with being such to a certain extent. And I can’t help but love even that about her because it’s a constant reminder of her strength. She isn’t easily moved once her mind is made up, and that’s commendable, but that fact is that at times she is downright stubborn for the sake of being so, and that’s problematic.
I want marriage. Really. I want kids. I want my own familial unit. I want love to always be the prevailing force and I want the safety net of MY person. I want lingering kisses flowed by grists and biscuits on Saturday mornings. I want my sweetie stumbling around the kitchen to make me dinner for date night. I want to be wrapped in a sugary sweet cocoon of love, strength, and loyalty. I want my kids, my friends, and our associates to get it when they’re around us. To feel love and loved. Kim and I are currently in a space where we can stay here, at this level with one another and be perfectly comfortable for a long time. Plenty of people do it and will continue to. But I’m ready to fully put myself out there enough to be on the next level. The level that says ‘we were, we are, we will be’. Constantly, consistently, continually US and OUR unit. I don’t want ‘okay’ anymore, I want ‘great’. I just can’t want it alone.
I’ve watched my favorite exes get themselves and their situations together via social media and I am so moved. I’ve gotten the messages from both telling me how right I was not to honor their pursuits, and to instead push them further toward their future. They’re happy…they have their families…they’re experiencing that feeling that I told them they would if they’d just stop holding back and my elation is palpable! Watching women that I’ve loved, but never enough to think forever with, create their forevers makes me want to continue sending them positive and loving vibes. It also makes me realize that I should have done better, and should surely do better for myself. So I will.
Some days, I’m too far gone to even write it out. Today is one. In a great note though, I’m making a way to do exactly what I want to do…and that’s is outstanding!
Read a text from my babe that said she wants to be a fan for me as much as I’m a fan for her, and all it did was hit home the fact that she has no idea why I chose her. I feel like as my girl, she should be my biggest fan and flaunt my dopeness daily, even if I’m not doing a god damned thing. Like, “Look at those pictures on the wall! My baby did that, didn’t she! 😍”. Simple shot. Nothingness. Things that come as naturally as breathing.
I realized that maybe she thinks I’m around because of what she’s doing as opposed to who she is. I’m her biggest fan, as I should be, but it has nothing to do with her company…or the intelligence that she tries her best to always put at the forefront…or her looks…definitely not any money that she has or may have to come. I’m a fan of the way she sleeps. The way she always gets things caught in her eyes. I’m a fan of the way she walks when nobody is around to pay attention. The way she doesn’t know her way around the kitchen but will do her damndest to convince anyone that she does. I’m a fan of the way she says miscellaneous incorrectly and the way she does everything just so. Like the way she mixes her coffee and cream. The way she puts ice in a cup. The way she eats chicken.
I’m a fan of HER. Who she is, who she may become, and who I see her as. I’ll be her biggest fan whether she’s running a billion dollar empire or quitting her job because she’s decided to become a poet. I’ll stan for her whether she’s in the boardroom or in the bedroom blowing her nose for the 100th time that morning. That is why I chose her.
That is what I want in return. I want a fan regardless of what I’m doing or how I’m doing it. I want someone who makes it clear that I’m the most amazing person on the planet to them. That’s the only thing I’ve had in other relationships that o don’t seem to have here. I have women who are avid fans of me and no matter how hard I try to get rid of them, I doubt if they’ll ever fully go away. And although I didn’t feel the same about them, I now understand why they’re still around as much as I allow them to be. If things needed with Kim and I, I would still support everything that she does because of my belief in her natural dopeness. I guess that’s where ALL of the difference lies.
I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know how my communication manages to be so unclear when I focus so much on speaking clearly. I don’t know. I’m unsure of how I make my baby angry and hurt and make her feel attacked by just…talking. I don’t know. But I know that I won’t do it anymore. I’ll continue avoiding communication and talking about the things that are actually on my mind because I can’t without causing an unnecessary blowup. I thought that was the best pet about dating your best friend. That you’d be able to communicate about the hard things because you have a strong enough foundation. Maybe we don’t. So we can’t. And that has to be that.
I’ve cried myself to sleep at least 4 times a week for at least the last month. That’s how intensely these physical sexual urges are presenting themselves, and how not being able to handle them is affecting me. My dr said that Im at the age of increased libido and will be for the next 5 or 6 years. That paired with the previous trauma and high levels of stress have turned me into what I can only imagine a sex addict actually does feel like. This is horrible. What makes it even more horrible is having a partner that won’t meet me somewhere closer to halfway. Notice, I said won’t, not can’t.
I’m extremely disappointed. Not just that she isn’t being the same person that she was at the beginning-apparently, that happens a lot in relationships…although I’ll never understand it. I’m infinitely more disappointed in the fact that she won’t even make an attempt. She won’t even explore ways that maybe she can increase her interest. She won’t even challenge herself to fucking try. Yet again, it’s me knowing how hard she goes for things that are important to her, and watching hey NOT do the same for me…and that shit hurts so badly.
I want sex that lasts for more than 15 minutes. I want to be turned on by my partner and not be the only one. I want to sext and flirt and look forward to time alone. I want to have sex that isn’t just at night…in the bed…before we go to sleep…as an afterthought. I want to feel confident about my sexuality again because, for the second relationship in a row, I just feel unsexy and unwanted. She has walls up pertaining to her sexuality and I wish she would just work with me and talk to me instead of acting like a MAJOR disconnect doesn’t exist. I’m sad, I’m frustrated, and I honestly don’t know what to do.
So, for the sake of making sure that I can still function decently in my relationship, I’m gonna let my dr shoot my clitoris with a 4 inch needle in an attempt to quell my sexual urges, but that will only be a temporary fix, if at all. Surprisingly enough, I can honestly say that this is not just about the sex. I could find a fix for the sex, whether it’s another person or a pill…the sex itself isn’t the blaring issue. So what is? It’s feeling like the woman I love lacks physical attraction to me. It’s making yourself fully open and available to another person in every way, and having that person not do the same. It’s finally falling in love with the woman that you spent years believing was your perfect match, only to find that who she presented is not who she is.
I’m crying again. I now realize the part that hurts me the most-it’s having a woman that says she truly loves you and will do anything for you, but would rather you cheat and leave her alone about a subject than try to discuss it because she’s tired of talking about it…or would rather avoid it. And I feel like an awful person because I can’t fix myself enough for this to not be an issue anymore. When it comes down to it, I feel like she doesn’t respect the things that I view as important, so she doesn’t make a point to bother working on them because…why would she? I’m emotional and ‘extra’ and unbalanced and illogical and apparently that is why what I’m saying I NEED doesn’t seem to matter. Romance…sexual energy…recognition. Those are of no use to her so why bother? That’s the part that breaks my poor little passion-filled heart. I made the decision that I want to spend my life with this woman. Which means if there’s ever ANYTHING that she needs me to do to make her happy, I’ll do it without a second thought because I don’t ever want to lose her. But even with her knowing everything about my major relationships and how certain aspects affected me, she’s still okay with putting herself in a potential place of losing me because the needs that I’ve always made so clear simply aren’t worth concerning herself with. And that’s definitely something to cry about.